Relapse (past & present:) “We’re only as sick as our secrets.” – AA slogan.
I haven’t been honest with you guys.
I mean, I have, but…not totally honest.
Remember how I said there are things I know I have to talk about and I don’t want to?
Well, I guess you can say I’ve been hiding behind this secret and allowing it to excuse me from writing for the past 2+ months.
I have wanted to move out of the past and write about the present but uhhhh, I haven’t been doing that now, have I? So clearly I need to still talk about some past shit in order to move on.
That’s how working a spiritual program of action works. And when I’m not doing it to the best of my ability, life is just harder. I can’t explain how that is and I’m digressing anyway so let’s just put a pin in that for now.
Back to my BBS that I have been harboring; recent events have made it abundantly clear that I cannot hang onto this part of my story anymore and if I continue to ignore my instincts, I will remain stuck in my recovery and I don’t want that.
So here it is: towards the end of 2018, I determined that not only am I an alcoholic but I am also a straight up addict.
Cigarettes, alcohol, weed, sugar, pills, & caffeine – I have abused them all at various points in my life and it’s time I write about it and make some serious changes while I’m at it.
Kicking this series off is the cigs because I’m ashamed to admit that after promising my 6 year old daughter that I would quit smoking back in May, I still am puffing them down and I can’t fucking stand it anymore.
Pause, you guys, I just went to look at when I last posted. It was May 22nd. The last “quit date” I set for myself and here I am about to set another one. Weird. Anyway…
I swore up and down I’d quit smoking before my daughters would ever know I smoked and yet here we are, her little voice yelling at me from the screen door for all the neighbors to hear: “MOMMY! STOP SMOKING!”
Me: (whisper yelling) oh my gosh…get inside…oh my gosh (closes door)
(door opens again)
A1: MOMMY! NO SMOKING!”
Can we say mortified?
I’ve made countless vain attempts in quitting. I’ve made a gazillion promises to friends and loved ones, solemn oaths and public social media announcements. I’ve quit smoking WAY more times than I quit drinking. Just like any relapse, I was immediately hooked after the first cigarette. It has been, by far, the hardest addiction to crush.
I remember my first sponsor telling me she used the 12 steps to quit smoking, so…that’s what I’m going to do.
Seriously. I am.
I know you don’t believe me.
I wouldn’t either.
But mark my mother effing words: I. WILL. QUIT. SMOKING. CIGARETTES!
Tomorrow is Day 1, Step 1.