When I had to quit drinking, I said “fine, but you aren’t gonna take the cigs away, it’s all I have now.” So, I’ve been a closet smoker, off and on (but mostly on) for the past 8+ years. After each pregnancy, I swore I wouldn’t go back but of course, all it took was one and I was hooked again.
Caffiene? If I could walk around with an IV with a constant stream keeping me “up and at em” all day, I would. Stimulants, I love them! Coffee,
diet pills, caffeine pills, Adderall, basically any upper that keeps me going – I’ll take it! Reeealllly healthy and smart of an alcoholic who also suffers from anxiety.
Drink decaf you say? Um, no. That’s like drinking a virgin anything. For an addict like me, if I’m not going to feel from the consumption, it’s a waste of my time. No thank you!* I don’t judge those who do drink decaf, it’s just not for me.
Or is it? Just today, one of my sisters in Christ (SIC) told me that decaf coffee might help curb the appetite now that I have quit smoking. Well okay then, decaf it is. I legit don’t need that much caffeine anyway. Plus, I don’t mind putting on 5 pounds but not 10.**
Yeah, you read that right. I quit. And for good this time. I finally conceded to my innermost self that I could not do it without assistance. I finally admitted defeat and got on Chantix, among other medications that I will not speak of. But if you go back in time and read all of my posts, I’m sure you can figure it out for yourself.
Yeah, you guessed right. I’m keeping some details to myself now. I know I’ve been an “open book” and I don’t regret a word of it. But I’ve also changed my perspective on some things and sharing certain details is one of them. There’s just some things that don’t need to be put out into the world for all to read…ya know?
That said, I’d be remiss if I didn’t tie this post back to my over the top reactions to circumstances. And I’m so done talking about my very colorful past; so to recap, I’ll wrap it up with a what?
Yep, you’re right, a list. Here are 3 scenarios that happened in the past 3 years, in which I CSW reacted but I didn’t:
- Coulda – A male admirer left me a note asking me out. He was married. I could have had my husband call him and rip into him. But I didn’t. I took a picture of it and got rid of it. I allowed my husband to read the note (at his request) but I didn’t include the number. It took balls for that guy to make such a bold move, as he knew I was married as well; apparently it’s way more common to open up a marriage these days. Is it for me? No. Do I judge those who do? No. Live and let live. That’s what I say.
- Shoulda – A womanizer looked me up and down and asked if my figure was “natural.” I was so taken aback and lacked confidence at the time. I replied with “ummmm, yeah, I’ve always been smaller but I also run.” He proceeded to talk about his overweight daughter in such a way, I wanted to punch him in the face. But I didn’t. I didn’t say anything. But I should have.
- Woulda – One of the
DUDSI wrote about had been trying to connect with me multiple times. I finally conceded and allowed him to make his amends. He was the second of 3 DUDSthat I finally forgave and freed myself from. BUT, I made some poor choices after and if I could take them back, I would***. If I could go back, I would have blocked him right after he made his amends. Lesson learned…again…oh well.
Men, they’re a big part of my story and someday, I’m gonna have to tell my girls what they are up against; with men AND alcohol. I have a lot of lessons that I have learned that I wish, had I not been so stubborn, I would have learned sooner.
Oh well. I know what to do today and that’s all that matters. You know why?
Because they’re watching my every.single.move.