My Recovery Rock Bottom -Part 2

This is 1 of a 5 part series. Some have been password protected.


I was moving up the ranks in my drinking career when my besties started having babies.  While they navigated through raising little humans, I was raising hell on my path of self-destruction.  When they complained about the woes of motherhood and nursing babies to sleep, I was nursing hangovers and complained about who wasn’t living up to my expectations.

One time my friend told me she fantasized walking into her backyard, hopping the fence and running away to start a new life because hers as a working mother (and wife too!) was just too hard.  I didn’t get it.

Like, at all. 

Then, I got sober and had children of my own; and then I got it.

I got it so hard.

2 years ago, I hit another bottom and it was way worse than my last when I was drinking. My daughters were 5 and 3. My life, as I knew it, did not look like I thought it would almost 6 years in recovery. I was unhappy with every single aspect of my life and was desperate for change. I remember driving to work one day and screaming at the top of my lungs to God “HELP MEEEEEEE!! I CAN’T DO THIS!!!!”

I cried a lot. Every. Single. Day. I lost my temper with my daughters constantly and took it out on my husband too.  Our marriage was falling apart right before my eyes and he was oblivious. Which made me feel even more crazy.  How could he not see, I wondered? I was picking fights left and right, with him and my coworker. 

It felt so strangely familiar to how I felt when I was drinking so I didn’t understand – how could I feel this way again and I’m still dry AF?  It didn’t take long for me to realize that I was not in recovery at all because had I been doing the things I was taught to do when I first got sober, I wouldn’t feel so helpless, alone and out of control. 

Instead, I was going at it alone. I was without a sponsor and had a very small circle of sober friends.  I wasn’t going to meetings and I wasn’t being of service in any way, shape or form. As you already know, I also had gotten myself addicted to Adderall but that’s neither here nor there; that only made my bottom worse.  Most importantly though, I wasn’t praying.

I knew right then and there that if I didn’t take charge of my situation, I was going to drink.  I didn’t believe it when my peers talked about the “relapse before the relapse” but I still listened to what they said to do when that happens and I started praying.  I went back to meetings and I started reaching out.

Next thing I knew, I had a sponsor who accepted me and my choices in recovery (that was a miracle!) and was discovering new recovery communities I didn’t know existed outside of the little AA bubble I had put myself in.  I seamlessly quit Adderall without any help and managed to close out 2018 with a new lease on life.

At 8 years AF, my emotional rock bottom taught me that I still have a lot of growth to do and it has nothing to do with staying sober and everything to do with me and how I show up as a human being.  It became abundantly clear that as long as I remain aware of the following 5 lessons I learned from my emotional rock bottom, I’ll never have to go through one again:

  1. I’m not just an alcoholic, I’m also an addict and I still have some addictions to overcome. As long as they aren’t booze and Adderall, I’m going to be just fine.   
  2. I am not alone and there are always people out there suffering way more than me. The more I give a shit about other people, the less I focus on myself, the better I feel. Selfless acts of service do a soul good.
  3. Recovery is so much more than just not drinking or using; I need a program of action to stay somewhat sane. I’ve been taught the tools and it’s my responsibility whether I choose to use them or not. 
  4. I need a community of like-minded people in my corner – and I have chosen the Fellowship of AA. But I’m not here to promote AA, just sharing what works for me.
  5. I need a Higher Power – and mine is God. The Creator of the Universe, the Master of All Things, God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit – as long as I turn my will over to Him every day to the best of my ability, I’m good. It’s when I let up on my spiritual connection when things start to go sideways.

I’m grateful for my bottom because it brought me back to the path I never wanted and now never want to get off. It’s been a very transformative 2 years and I’m in a much better place today.  But I’m not done. No way – I’ll never be done. Recovery is a journey, not a destination.  There’s still work to be done on myself and people to help along the way. I cannot wait to see what the next decade brings.

#morewillberevealed

Skeletons 3.8: My Reactiveness – Part 3

When I had to quit drinking, I said “fine, but you aren’t gonna take the cigs away, it’s all I have now.” So, I’ve been a closet smoker, off and on (but mostly on) for the past 8+ years.  After each pregnancy, I swore I wouldn’t go back but of course, all it took was one and I was hooked again.

Caffiene? If I could walk around with an IV with a constant stream keeping me “up and at em” all day, I would. Stimulants, I love them! Coffee, diet pills, caffeine pills, Adderall, basically any upper that keeps me going – I’ll take it! Reeealllly healthy and smart of an alcoholic who also suffers from anxiety.

Drink decaf you say? Um, no. That’s like drinking a virgin anything. For an addict like me, if I’m not going to feel from the consumption, it’s a waste of my time. No thank you!*  I don’t judge those who do drink decaf, it’s just not for me.

Or is it?  Just today, one of my sisters in Christ (SIC) told me that decaf coffee might help curb the appetite now that I have quit smoking.  Well okay then, decaf it is. I legit don’t need that much caffeine anyway. Plus, I don’t mind putting on 5 pounds but not 10.**

Yeah, you read that right. I quit. And for good this time. I finally conceded to my innermost self that I could not do it without assistance.  I finally admitted defeat and got on Chantix, among other medications that I will not speak of.  But if you go back in time and read all of my posts, I’m sure you can figure it out for yourself.

Yeah, you guessed right.  I’m keeping some details to myself now.  I know I’ve been an “open book” and I don’t regret a word of it.  But I’ve also changed my perspective on some things and sharing certain details is one of them.  There’s just some things that don’t need to be put out into the world for all to read…ya know?

That said,  I’d be remiss if I didn’t tie this post back to my over the top reactions to circumstances.  And I’m so done talking about my very colorful past; so to recap, I’ll wrap it up with a what?

Yep, you’re right, a list.  Here are 3 scenarios that happened in the past 3 years, in which I CSW reacted but I didn’t:

  1. Coulda – A male admirer left me a note asking me out.  He was married.  I could have had my husband call him and rip into him.  But I didn’t.  I took a picture of it and got rid of it.  I allowed my husband to read the note (at his request) but I didn’t include the number.  It took balls for that guy to make such a bold move, as he knew I was married as well; apparently it’s way more common to open up a marriage these days. Is it for me? No. Do I judge those who do? No.  Live and let live.  That’s what I say.
  2. Shoulda – A womanizer looked me up and down and asked if my figure was “natural.” I was so taken aback and lacked confidence at the time.  I replied with “ummmm, yeah, I’ve always been smaller but I also run.”  He proceeded to talk about his overweight daughter in such a way, I wanted to punch him in the face.  But I didn’t.  I didn’t say anything.  But I should have.
  3. Woulda – One of the DUDS I wrote about had been trying to connect with me multiple times.  I finally conceded and allowed him to make his amends.  He was the second of 3 DUDS that I finally forgave and freed myself from.  BUT, I made some poor choices after and if I could take them back, I would***.  If I could go back, I would have blocked him right after he made his amends.  Lesson learned…again…oh well.

Men, they’re a big part of my story and someday, I’m gonna have to tell my girls what they are up against; with men AND alcohol.  I have a lot of lessons that I have learned that I wish, had I not been so stubborn, I would have learned sooner.

Oh well.  I know what to do today and that’s all that matters.  You know why?

Because they’re watching my every.single.move.

#morewillberevealed

Skeletons 3.7: My Reactiveness – Part 2

It was a long hug; with a stranger whom less than an hour prior, I was cursing at.

When we broke our embrace, she looked at me and said again, “just pray sweetie, God will give you peace.”

When I got to work, the thought came to me “you need to go back to that first lot and make amends.” And that’s what I did. I also was inspired to visit the second lot as well and thankfully, the woman from earlier was still there. She greeted me with a huge smile.

Her: What are you doing back here?

Me: Well, I really felt bad for my behavior this morning so I wanted to come and bring you gift.

I handed her a voucher to come to my skin care studio. She was shocked…and so was I. I couldn’t believe what I was doing. Then I asked her if she was a Christian and she said she was and that she goes to a church less than 5 minutes from my house. She invited me and I attended once. A week later, the pastor had a stroke and then a week after that, our country shut down.


THAT, my friends, is what I consider a “God Shot.” No, I didn’t make that up. It’s a term I learned in “the rooms;” and I’ve experienced A LOT ever since that day.

But before I get to the best part, I need to finish telling you what it was like before I experienced, what I can confidently say, was the day I woke up a brand new person.

March 13, 2020 – we got the official word that my husband had been predicting for weeks: schools were closing. And I welcomed it. My husband is self-employed and I work part time, so we were were actually kind of excited at the idea of all the family bonding time and getting projects done. No schedules, no lunches to be made, no lines to wait in for drop off and pick up; it was a “break” that I deemed a blessing in the midst of tremendous uncertainty.

It was great. For about a month. Next thing I knew, feelings of depression and anger started setting in. Like many parents, I was starting to lose my mind. I found myself fighting those episodes of rage that had finally stopped and I was crying. Every. Single. Day. I was overindulging on sugar and self-medicating in excess with marijuana. I was spiraling and felt out of control with my emotions once again.

Something had to change. At this point, I knew that my girls were not returning back to school any time soon and my new facial business that I had JUST opened in January was going to remain closed for an undetermined amount of time. Once again, I felt lost and defeated.

R2 had told me about this 40 Day sugar fast she was doing alongside a book that is meant to transform your spirituality and relationship with Christ. It had already been put on my heart that maybe my over-indulgence in sugar was affecting my brain, so I took this as a sign that I needed to fast and read the book too.

I started the book on Tuesday, May 26th.

On May 29th, I cried out to God to help me.

I begged.

I pleaded.

I surrendered.

And on May 30th, the Holy Spirit took over and things haven’t been the same since.

#morewillberevealed