Here I go with ANOTHER disclaimer: Today was an emotional one for me. I know I’ve been relatively transparent thus far and I will continue to be but there’s just some things that need to be kept private. No, it’s not something I would drink over, not today anyway. But it IS something that would take me down emotionally, affecting everyone around me if my spiritual condition wasn’t where it is today. I have recovered from my drinking problem but it’s only been in this past year that I have finally got to working on my “thinking problem.” I know how I did it and I’ll share that but not in this post. No, today I want to talk about the last 3 tokens in my little “collection.” That being said, I also don’t know that I have the energy or the emotional capacity to say EVERYTHING that I probably could say but these 3 people know my heart and I’ve been doing everything I can these past (almost) 6 years to make a living amends to them. Have I done it perfectly, nope. Will I ever do it perfectly? Nope. Progress, not perfection. That is what I strive for today.
These 3 tokens were given to me by people I had asked to give me when I reached each year of recovery. I have already talked about two of them and the third will get an honorable mention.
Token #1: Serenity isn’t freedom from the storm, it’s the Peace within the storm. S1 gave this to me along with my 1 year token. My mom and A1 who was just 2.5 month old came to see me accept it in front of my home group. I didn’t know that you could take more than one token and at the time, I think I was only going to ONE meeting a week as it was. I didn’t have any other friends in the program so having my mom there meant a lot to me. This one’s for you, Mama.
Token #2: The camel each day goes twice to his knees. He picks up his load with the greatest of ease. He walks through the day with his head held high and stays for that day completely dry. My honorable mention gave this to me along with my 2 year “dirty” token. At this point, I was now a big fat faker in the rooms of AA, still holding on to the “someday.” This one’s for you, Daddy.
Token #3: B3 gave this one to me to commemorate year #5 without alcohol. She was the third friend in the program that I had divulged my BBS to and once again, it was met with love, acceptance and zero judgement.** This one’s for you, Sissy.
P.S. Since I simply cannot help myself and these posts are so long, I’ve created an “Asterisks” page in my menu. Go take a gander if you are so inclined.
1 year (x2): For the 2 sponsors (S1&S2) I have had in my recovery. Are either of them my sponsor now? No.* However, like my birdies, without them, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today. I wanted to dedicate this post to them with both affirmations and amends but after composing S1 and starting S2, I realized most of you likely don’t GAF which is why I have added a new page to my menu titled “Letters.” Yes, I know amends should be made “to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others” (BB, pg. 59) but as I have said before, I am far better expressing myself in writing and I would hope Bill & Bob would approve. **UPDATE 9 months later** Okay, actually, they may have given me the side-eye so I have changed my mind and will do as many amends in person as possible.
4 years**: For my 4 cousins on my dad’s side of the family. 3 sets of sisters born to 3 brothers. Us 6 chicks are all different but there’s definitely one thing we all have in common and that is that we are all uniquely awesome in our own special ways and I have something I want to say to each of you. Go to the Letters page to read, dear cousins of mine ( and anyone else who cares.)
I do want to say one thing here to the 4 of you lovely ladies: no doubt each of you witnessed me in the throws of my alcoholism. I was a loud, obnoxious drunk and I’m sorry if it seemed I was always trying to be the center of attention. It annoys me to no end that that has been in my make-up and more so than ever, I’m really trying to change that. If I EVER hurt you as a result of my drinking, I encourage you to let me know so that I can wipe that slate clean once and for all.
60 Days – 2 months – for the two months I didn’t drink* which got my reproductive system functioning properly and boom, my first of many “rewards” for getting sober, my firstborn. If it weren’t for her, I (probably) would have relapsed again. I don’t know though. I was TERRIFIED of the consequences if I did and didn’t think that feeling would ever go away.
Because, see, I had already suffered many consequences from my drinking and I knew they would only get worse if I kept up my shenanigans. So my motivation to not drink wasn’t because Iiiiiii wanted to stop but it was because I didn’t know what would happen if I didn’t.
The next 6 posts were originally published early January, 2018.
My Recovery Rewind – 18 tokens in a 6 part series.
First, for those unfamiliar with what tokens are, allow me to explain:
In 12-Step Programs, tokens (aka chips) are given to members to commemorate a milestone in recovery: 24hrs, 30 days, 60 days, 90 days, 6 months, 9 months, 1 year and every year after that they stay sober/clean. When someone reaches one of those milestones, it is suggested that they ask another alcoholic/addict to give them their token(s). I say plural because we are also encouraged to “take” 3:
1 for ourselves, 1 for God and 1 for the newcomer.
In my close to 6 years of recovery (now 9,) I have picked up a total of 18 tokens and this post is the first of an 6 part series in sharing my tokens and what they all represent to me:
My Birds of a Feather
24hrs (x4): one for each of my besties “doin’ the deal” with me 24/7. You know who the heck you are. If it weren’t for you women, I would have defected from AA a long time ago and more than likely would have drank. Each of you have been instrumental in my recovery and I’d like to personally thank you one by one, in order of how much “time” each of you have. Read on, please visit the Letters page:
I’ve got more peas in my pod who are NOT in recovery and you ladies know WTF you are. Keep on reading because I’m pretty sure you’ll get mentioned in multiple posts (if not get your own.)