Skeletons 3.7: My Reactiveness – Part 2

It was a long hug; with a stranger whom less than an hour prior, I was cursing at.

When we broke our embrace, she looked at me and said again, “just pray sweetie, God will give you peace.”

When I got to work, the thought came to me “you need to go back to that first lot and make amends.” And that’s what I did. I also was inspired to visit the second lot as well and thankfully, the woman from earlier was still there. She greeted me with a huge smile.

Her: What are you doing back here?

Me: Well, I really felt bad for my behavior this morning so I wanted to come and bring you gift.

I handed her a voucher to come to my skin care studio. She was shocked…and so was I. I couldn’t believe what I was doing. Then I asked her if she was a Christian and she said she was and that she goes to a church less than 5 minutes from my house. She invited me and I attended once. A week later, the pastor had a stroke and then a week after that, our country shut down.


THAT, my friends, is what I consider a “God Shot.” No, I didn’t make that up. It’s a term I learned in “the rooms;” and I’ve experienced A LOT ever since that day.

But before I get to the best part, I need to finish telling you what it was like before I experienced, what I can confidently say, was the day I woke up a brand new person.

March 13, 2020 – we got the official word that my husband had been predicting for weeks: schools were closing. And I welcomed it. My husband is self-employed and I work part time, so we were were actually kind of excited at the idea of all the family bonding time and getting projects done. No schedules, no lunches to be made, no lines to wait in for drop off and pick up; it was a “break” that I deemed a blessing in the midst of tremendous uncertainty.

It was great. For about a month. Next thing I knew, feelings of depression and anger started setting in. Like many parents, I was starting to lose my mind. I found myself fighting those episodes of rage that had finally stopped and I was crying. Every. Single. Day. I was overindulging on sugar and self-medicating in excess with marijuana. I was spiraling and felt out of control with my emotions once again.

Something had to change. At this point, I knew that my girls were not returning back to school any time soon and my new facial business that I had JUST opened in January was going to remain closed for an undetermined amount of time. Once again, I felt lost and defeated.

R2 had told me about this 40 Day sugar fast she was doing alongside a book that is meant to transform your spirituality and relationship with Christ. It had already been put on my heart that maybe my over-indulgence in sugar was affecting my brain, so I took this as a sign that I needed to fast and read the book too.

I started the book on Tuesday, May 26th.

On May 29th, I cried out to God to help me.

I begged.

I pleaded.

I surrendered.

And on May 30th, the Holy Spirit took over and things haven’t been the same since.

#morewillberevealed

Skeletons 3.6: My Reactiveness -Part 1

I started this post about a year ago and the time has come to finish it.

I think I have a legit anger problem.  At 7+ years sober, I only just recently figured this out about myself a couple weeks ago.

H had pissed me off about something that, of course, I can’t remember now.  I was (and still am) trying to quit smoking cigarettes. So naturally, my go to when I am mad at him is to rebel. I went, bought a pack, took them home and puffed 2 down in a matter of 10 minutes (or less!)

I felt guilty after and it hit me right then and there: wow, anger is a major trigger for me.

Just like I did when I drank.  I drank AT people, places and things.


I have now been sober from alcohol for 8.5 years.  Exactly 102.06 months, 3,106 days and 74,549 hours.

And guess what?!? 15 days ago, I hit 2 years clean from Adderall.

Both of those are miracles but I’ve got even a better one that I cannot wait to tell you about.

Up until 4 months ago, I was still struggling with my anger management.  While I was no longer experiencing episodes of rage, I was still allowing my emotions to get the best of me; leaving me filled with tremendous guilt, shame, and remorse.

Earlier this year, we had house guests for the whole month of February.  Towards the end of their stay, I was ready for things to “go back to normal” and wasn’t coping very well.  My husband had been following the virus infiltrating our country and preparing our home for the impending lockdowns; and like many Americans in the early days, I didn’t truly understand the severity of what we were facing and that ” going back to normal” was never going to happen.

One week left in February and my car was towed from outside my house.  I was enraged.  The next morning, upon arriving at the tow lot, I saw that the gate was open.  So instead of going into the office to pay for the release of my car, I decided I would just walk on the lot and take it.

Adrenaline had taken over and aint’ nobody was going to stop me.  I was immediately approached by a man who told me I wasn’t allowed in there and I walked right past him and told him I was just getting my wallet – which – was a lie.  I was literally going to steal my own car.  

Long story short, I shared some choice words with the manager and then immediately fell apart into a puddle of tears.  And guess what? My car wasn’t there.  It was at their other lot.  When we got to the other lot, I was met with what looked like an intercom.  I could hear the woman inside dealing with another customer as I pushed the button.

No answer.

I push it again.

No answer. 

My husband suggests that maybe the other lot had called and warned them that I was coming, which incensed me even more.  So I started pushing the button non stop. The woman finally responds out the door “I’m with a customer, I’ll be with you soon” and how did I respond?

Me: “THAT’S ALL YOU HAD TO F&%$ING SAY!”

Her: “Don’t you talk to me like that! Just for that, you’re gonna sit out there longer!”

I was already crying and now I’m sitting on the curb, in the fetal position, balling, as my family watched from the car.  “Longer” was just a couple minutes and then I was let in.  I apologized for cussing at her and she nearly cut me off and said “do not use that language again” or something to that effect, to which I replied “I just apologized.” 

I went on to explain that the reason I was so upset was because the last time I had my car towed was because I had been arrested for my second DUI and now 9 years later, it’s being towed from outside my house because of my service to another; never mind that I was breaking rules I never took the time to learn.  The woman seemed cold – she couldn’t care less.  I wanted her to join my pity party and she was declining my invite.

When we went to retrieve my wallet, I apologized again and she acknowledged that the button I pushed over and over looks like an intercom, so she understood why I felt like I was being ignored. 

But I still couldn’t really get myself together.  I was on the verge of tears the entire time.  When departing in the lot, I don’t remember what I said to her as I let the tears start rolling down my face again.  But I do remember what she said,

“It’s going to be okay. Just pray.”

My heart burst open.  I said “I love Jesus and I do pray.” 

And then we hugged. 

#morewillberevealed